3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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