I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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