dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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