Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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