My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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