i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
