I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Randomize
