This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
