I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
