every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
