My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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