I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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