At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
