I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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