Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
