Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
