i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
