lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
