I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
