so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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