So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
