You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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