I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
