I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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