I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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