The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
