I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
