Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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