for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
