i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
