This house was built for laser tag.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
