Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
