I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
they're like a gay fantastic four
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
