That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
