i permit you to call me
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
