I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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