He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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