You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize