Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
