He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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