I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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