She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
