Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
