I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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