made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just found puke in my bra..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
