I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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