census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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