Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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