Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
