I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
