new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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