Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
