You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
