I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
