i think i have two assholes
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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