I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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