the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
