He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
