Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
