peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
