So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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